I’ve finally figured it out; I’m in a funk.
It started late last year. I was free from work and I was free from TAFE. I had time. So I started to stay up late every night, rationalising it as that I could always just switch back my sleeping patterns as I always did. Right?
I couldn’t when I started to go back to work. In fact, when I tried to go to bed early, I literally could not sway my body to go to sleep until it was late enough as I had gotten into the habit of doing before.
Push through it, I thought to myself. This is only temporary. You just have to push through it to get past it. Push through it.
And then I fell into a new pattern. I still stay up most nights (where does the time go?) but now I can go early if I want. I can set my alarms and wake up when they go off. I can go to work without showing up late. And I’ve learned my lesson.
So why don’t I go to earlier, now that I can? It’s that temporary habit; why go to bed so early, when there’s still other things to do? And it’s that same mindset of doing what I want usually when I want that’s breaking my discipline, like a child.
Do three hours of writing every day, comes the daily refrain of my mother, drilling into me her school of hard knocks, no less. It’s not that she’s strict. It’s just that every day I try, and most days I fail. Two hours is my daily average. And sure, pushing yourself is the key to reaching new heights, but I feel like I have been and getting little response.
Today was a struggle. One hour, then two separated halves of an hour. That’s what I got today. I felt like I was slogging, like my mind kept floating away, and I had to continually bring it back down to earth. I had to drag and drag it until we were both walking along together again.
And it wasn’t the first time. But most other days, it’s a more regular round hour deal. I’ve had to slap myself a few times in those past days too, having seen on Mythbusters that slapping really does help a little.
It hurt a little, obviously. But I always thought it was appropriate, seeing as my main character was used to getting a lot worse than a simple slap.
Point is, my brain is not all there; it’s off its game. And what’s more, I sometimes find myself trying to find some extra time to sleep during the day. I suddenly find myself tired, and it’s been telling me I’m not getting enough sleep.
Okay, tonight I’m not gonna stay up so late. Tonight I’m really gonna go to bed early, so I can catch up on my sleep this time, I tell myself. Each night, I fail.
And suddenly I realise that that brain function and that lack of sleep must be connected. I’m falling behind on my writing because of my lack of sleep. I gotta get out of this funk; I’m in a funk!
Maybe tomorrow night…