littlewonder2

Little wonder we stumble in life.

Trifecta – Trouble

6 Comments

An excitement of stars filled my eyes. Rockets filled my immediate vision, more than I’d even seen as a child. It felt like a flashback.

The room was empty, dark. The door, built like a garage door, was unlocked behind me. Yet I froze when I heard the click beyond the door as I rifled through all the fun dangers around me.

The room I was in was only an elevated storage room inside a factory floor. But this place was supposed to be abandoned… why were they here?

I looked around. Oh.

Keeping quiet and low to the ground, I crept to the door, pulling it fully closed. Hopefully they wouldn’t notice. Hopefully the weren’t really after the rockets. These weren’t made for war, anyway.

Keeping it closed was another matter. I had to commit now, because as soon as I let go, they would notice me, they would know they’re not alone in here. If they were really after the rockets, they’d come to know that anyway.

But they didn’t.

I was clinging with my nails to almost nothing. I had to strain to keep a solid grip. From the inside, it wasn’t easy to keep closed. If only I could lock it, they could move on without knowing I was there at all.

These people had given new meaning to the words Militant Athiests. Well, they wouldn’t convert me to their nihilistic propaganda. As far as I was concerned, they were at least as bad as Osama. At worst, they were Hitler.

It wasn’t exactly a holy war. But it had become the new war after the terrorists, both civil and global.

Well, they weren’t gonna take me alive. They could all just rot in hell. And I didn’t mean that metaphorically.

I listened desperately for them to move on. I felt almost deaf, hopeless in here. Outside, trouble was waiting eagerly for me.

They finally left the next room. I let go, and it wobbled back into place.

Prompt from Trifecta.

Author: littlewonder2

I'm 25, and I blog to improve my writing; I want to be good enough to be published. I also studied Japanese when I was younger. Luckily, I'll be able to continue those studies along with Creative Writing next year in University.

6 thoughts on “Trifecta – Trouble

  1. Tense! Reading that made my own fingernails ache a little.

  2. Thanks for linking up with Trifecta this week. There’s so much tension in this edgy little piece. I really like the line “It wasn’t exactly a holy war.” That line feels timely and complicated to me. Nice work. Hope to see you back again soon.

  3. Hi~
    When I first read this I knew the writer had a full view of the story in their mind, but I, the reader, did not. I hope this make sense. Review the first sentence. Does it paint a picture that the reader can see? Does it set up the story’s conflict? I’m sure many posters will pat your back and say how good your writing might be, but I’m not sure it helps one become a better writer.

    “I [went ]starry-eyed. I [hadn’t seen] so many rockets in my life, not even as a child. It was like I [was] a kid again.”

    OK, people may talk this way, but look at the verbs in these sentences–All verbs of being. Using active verbs will brighten your writing. Before you hit the publish button, comb through each sentence. Make sure each verb is working to your advantage; cull unnecessary adverbs and adjectives.

    Even in the short turn-around times these prompts give, I’ve found that putting a piece away over night and re-reading the next morning helps. Even after posting, I go back and revise until it feels right. Often I find I am trying to say too much. I need to scale back on my thinking. To me these prompts work best if you’re shining a light on a single snapshot of a life that has some resonance.

    My intention is not to offend you, I am not a successful writer, but I find these tips help me write better, and I wanted to share them with you.

    I hope you’re going to participate in Trifecta’s weekend photo challenge. I’ll come back and read.

    • I will. I’ll probably try to use this advice (leaving the writing, making sure everything’s right) in this next task, at least. That’s probably one thing I’ve been reserved about, because maybe I’m too eager to publish quickly.

      I’ll review this piece and see if I can make it clearer. Thanks for the constructive criticism.

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