littlewonder2

Little wonder we stumble in life.

Ego And Self-Expression

3 Comments

I don’t know if those two things go together or not. Somehow, it sounds like a familiar expression (lol); but according to one post I read, months ago, when you’re a writer, ego needs to be removed. Writing needs to be honest, but if you let ego influence you too much, your writing becomes too clouded, or it doesn’t  own up to the true (fictional) story you’re trying to tell.

Maybe that’s something I need to work on. For example, I find it very hard to write a religious character. I can’t stand the idea of following the strains of Christianity, it just sounds too stupid.

But I know in my head some of my characters are Christian, and I’m not doing my duty to them by not representing that. At first, it was because of my ego; I was afraid of people misconstruing me as a Christian, where I am not. But then I realised that people more likely expect me to represent all people, no matter my prejudices.

(I’m not saying I hate Christians; just that I don’t relate.)

In real life, too, I do this. I express my opinion openly, sometimes too openly for comfort in fact, because I’m trying to be open. A writer has to be, right? I want to learn more about people, about their reactions, about myself. Learning about myself is just as important as learning about others, in fact; how else do I speak from others’ perspectives but to truly understand my own?

But sometimes I just can’t look at the reply. Writers are supposed to be thick-skinned. I’m not quite there yet. At least I’m not thin-skinned…

I try to be open, most importantly, because throughout my life, I’ve been shy and too scared to talk about myself, let alone how I feel or what I think. That’s why I write, in fact; so people can know. I was told I have low self-esteem; I always equated that to mean that I have a small ego, but I know now that’s not quite true. In fact, it was my ego telling me that; saying that I had a small ego made me feel more humble than other people, which made me feel better than them.

Not so humble, then.

So, while in real life, I find it hard to express myself to people, in writing, I tend to try and compensate for that by being as open as I dare. I need to be thick-skinned to be a writer, right?

Besides, I’ve been trying all my life to be stronger. Considering, that I’ve been put down a lot, particularly in primary school (which causes me sometimes to turn that hate on me, as if I deserve it), it isn’t surprising that I want to rise above it.

There’s always something to rise above, isn’t there? Hard times help you grow, or so I’ve heard. I resented that the first time I heard it, but it’s still true. That’s the whole point of stories, isn’t it?

So, it’s true that ego and low self-esteem can go hand in hand. And the result is the need for self-expression. But even so, what do I take out of all this?

If nothing else, I hope that I can be happy growing on my own without testing my own will, or others’ reactions to me in order to learn about them. But, since the New Yorker tells me that personal bias sticks with you whether you learn or not, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Author: littlewonder2

I'm 25, and I blog to improve my writing; I want to be good enough to be published. I also studied Japanese when I was younger. Luckily, I'll be able to continue those studies along with Creative Writing next year in University.

3 thoughts on “Ego And Self-Expression

  1. Nicely said. And congrats on NaNoWriMo winner of 2012!

    You haven’t forgotten about BlogFestivus I hope, I hope, I hope. 🙂

  2. I like how honest of a blogger you are. You seem to say whatever is on your mind (you just said that you are more open in your writing). I hope that you can overcome any putdowns you recieve and improve in whatever direction you want in your writing. I also hope that you can have a better view of us Christians. Christianity is not about a bunch of strains and following lots of rules and routines (although many people, both Christian and non-Christian think that it is). All Christianity is is following a guy who lived almost 2000 years ago by loving him, his God, and everyone else, and having your actions reflect your love for everyone.

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