littlewonder2

Little wonder we stumble in life.

Friday Fictioneers – Self-Made

19 Comments

Copyright - Beth Carter

“I rebuilt this mostly from scratch. I didn’t have money for a lot of the parts, but hey,” he said, taking one last long drag from his cigarette and stamping it into the ground, “she still runs. At least she’s got a decent engine!”

“I don’t know,” Zach said. “It looks kind of dodgy. I really need a decent car to get me there.” He watched this guy carefully, nerves trembling through his heartbeat.

“It’ll get you there and back without breaking a sweat!” He pulled the sign out of the car vigorously. “It’s my everyday car. Just bring her back to the shop.”

He was desperate. “I’ll take it.”

Author: littlewonder2

I'm 25, and I blog to improve my writing; I want to be good enough to be published. I also studied Japanese when I was younger. Luckily, I'll be able to continue those studies along with Creative Writing next year in University.

19 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers – Self-Made

  1. Nice dialogue, and leaves you with questions – why is he so desperate? why would he buy it, especially if the guy makes him so nervous? I enjoyed reading this!

  2. LW I liked, I liked the ‘pulling the sign out of the car vigorously’ line!

  3. Nice dialogue here. I particularly like the ‘hey’ in the second sentence, and the pause for the cigarette. All feels very real. Not sure I’d buy a car off him though!

  4. Very well done! Great, believable dialogue and use of the prompt. I’m glad everyone is having fun with this. Loved the line: “It looks kind of dodgy” but he took the car anyway.

  5. I agree with Beth, I liked the flow of the dialogue very much.

  6. I felt as though I was reading page 87 of a novel… Very well done. Good luck with your writing; you seem in earnest..!

  7. I agree that the dialogue sounds real. Of course I want to know why he was desperate, where he was going, etc. This is a good lead-in to a story.

    janet

  8. I think he had to be desperate, lol!

  9. Lingeringvisions took the words from me. He’d have to be desperate. I’ll echo it, great dialogue. Would love to know more. Good job.
    Shalom,
    Rochelle

  10. So, this is a rental car? That is pretty desperate. 🙂

  11. “taking one last long drag from his cigarette and stamping it into the ground”– a line with action like this gives a reader real insight into a character. nice job.

  12. The visuals are excellent, the dialogue believable. So where is this guy heading?

  13. never know what we’ll do when desperate. well done.

    suggestion – this line: “He didn’t mention that this guy made him kind of nervous.” instead of just telling us he was nervous about the guy, maybe he can do something to show us. for example.

    “Each step the man took closer, Zach took a step away.” something like that. or “Zach’s heart raced slightly faster with each step the man took in his direction.”

    i didn’t count the words, but i’m just tossing suggestions. i hope you don’t mind.

  14. I liked this – you might try “I had to rebuild” to “I rebuilt” — shows action, saves a few words.

  15. Nice story that opens up many different options of what’s going on. 🙂

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